Chuck Norris - The Legend
After reading about the recent rave of Chuck Norris online, i decided to start up a collection of Chuck Norris jokes online. Here are a few:
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "Fucking."
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever
Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.
In the movie “Back to the Future” they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.
Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.
Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris puts the m's on M&Ms.
Chuck Norris was a hidden playable character on Mortal Kombat 2 on the Sega Genesis.
Chuck Norris is known for his modesty but readily admits that he is the 8th wonder of the natural world
Chuck Norris goes to the toilet once a month, if he needs to or not.
Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with water.
There are in fact 31 letters of the English Alphabet however only Chuck Norris knows what the extra 5 letters are.
Occasionally Chuck Norris will call up the Power Rangers just to say hi.
Chuck Norris has no concept of time, if you go to his house you won't find a single clock. When you ask to leave because it's getting late he stares at you blankly until you sit back down.
Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
Chuck Norris once ate a banana without having to peel it.
Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris' house is a Total Gym
In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told Entertainment Tonight co-host Mary Hart that his most memorable role was when he played the third breast on the hooker in "Total Recall".
Chuck Norris once did a back flip off the Great Wall of China.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.
Chuck Norris caught all 386 pokemon in just under 2.7 seconds. He says he won't trade any of them for anything.
In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.
Chuck Norris broke his own leg, purely for the sake of winning the paralympics.
Chuck Norris will never fully be male nor female. Doctors once asked him which he preferred. He gave them an ad for a Total Gym.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
If you look in a mirror and say "Chuck Norris" three times, he will appear and kill your entire family... but at least you get to see Chuck Norris.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
Chuck Norris was the original Danny Tanner on the hit family sitcom, "Full House". He was replaced by Bob Saget after an unfortunate incident with one of the Olsen triplets.
When Chuck Norris was driving he saw a sign that said, "Caution: Small Children Playing." So he slowed down, but then it occurred to him: Chuck Norris isn't afraid of small children.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas
A Chevy truck was totalled in a car accident. It hit black ice, then hit Chuck Norris. You tell me what did the damage.
Everytime Chuck Norris hears the term ‘Virgin’ Mary he laughs out loud…
It used to be called the Tower of Pisa…until Chuck Norris decided to roundhouse kick the shit out of it
Chuck Norris kills 14 white people at the end of every week just to prove he isn’t racist.
1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
5. Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you're still alive, it's because Chuck Norris loves you.
6. Chuck Norris isn't hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
7. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
8. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb.
9. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
10. Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
11. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
12. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
13. Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people
14. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
15. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
16. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
17. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
18. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
19.When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.
20. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
21. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
22. When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.